Brand New Boobies!

April 15, 2013

My latest surgery was The Great Implant Swap.

Goodbye Snowglobe Tissue Expanders!

Hello Soft Silicone Implants!

There was absolutely nothing extraordinary about this procedure.  Surgery has become a little bit old hat.  I drove myself to the hospital, checked in, let the nurse put the needle in my arm, let the surgeon draw all over my chest with sharpie and drifted off to sleep knowing I would wake with my long awaited real fake boobs.  Ah.  No biggie.

And therein lies my mistake.  Thinking this one was no big deal.

Turns out, it’s been pretty mentally disorienting and emotionally exhausting.

Taking off the bandages should have left me feeling more than pleased.

They look wonderful.  Really.  The placement is perfect. They’re even.  They’re a great size.  An amazing shape. Scarring is incredibly minimal.  Soft, soft, soft.  Once my nipples are built, they will truly be amazing breasts.

They just happen to not be my breasts.

I hadn’t given it a single thought.  I was so focused on the relief that would come with finally having the uncomfortable tissue expanders removed and once again having the comfort of normal breasts that it never once crossed my mind that I needed to mentally prepare myself to accept breasts that didn’t look like my natural ones.

Ya know, before my mastectomy, everything was agreeably aging together.  And it was fine.  I was comfortable in my skin and confident in myself.

Now, when I stand naked in front of the mirror, it’s quite clear that my abs, hips and thighs have settled into their 32 year old status while my tits are completely newborn.  It has left me obsessing over every flaw and dimple.  I feel like I need to run 10 miles a day in order to shed the time that has spread over my human form.  Chasing some sort of fountain of youth so that everything can match my boobs.

And when I shower, I feel strange even looking at these breasts.  They’re so unrecognizable.  Like they must certainly belong to someone else.

I guess maybe I didn’t feel this way with the tissue expanders because I knew they were temporary.  I could accept them more easily as just a step in the process.  But now… these are my breasts.  Outside of adding nipples, there’s no more steps.  This is what they will look like for the rest of my life.  A much bigger deal than I was prepared for.

I keep having these horrific nightmares about being forced to live with numerous aggressive cats.  Apparently (according to  some dream interpretation googling) this means that I am struggling with the feminine aspects of myself.  Which seems to hit the nail on the head.

I think also in the down-playing of significance in regard to this surgery, these new breasts have not seen any sort of celebration in their birth.  There wasn’t a party this go round…. a ritual to prepare me for this new phase.

It’s left me feeling very alone.

And quite insecure in myself for the first time in a long time.

So maybe that’s the next step from here.  Planning a celebration for the birth of my new boobies to transform this feeling of physical displacement into one of acceptance and physical rebirth.

Here’s the first step… Cheers, to my new boobies.

End cancer chapter 23.

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2 Responses to “Brand New Boobies!”

  1. Tere Says:

    As with everything new, they’ll become “old hat” sooner than you’d expect. You’re such a lovely writer, Gwen. See, I’ve forgotten that — not so much forgotten, as just accepted and then not thought about for awhile. LOVE YOU and here’s to your new boobies!

  2. Emily Walsh Says:

    Hi Gwen! I just stopped by and was checking out a few of your posts. Just wanted to say good luck with the new boobies and I hope they fair you well! I had a quick question about your blog and was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance -emilywalsh688 (at) gmail.com- Thanks : )

    Emmy


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