February 11, 2014

It isn’t just about the loss of my womb.  I seem to be living in a barren wasteland of cancer side effects.

I’m tired and drug-hazed all the time.  My vision is blurry from the latest round of cancer killing medications.  Typing is hard.  Being awake is hard.  And all the time, there is this dull pain where my ovaries used to be… something hurting that isn’t even there.

I’ve been trying to gear up for writing a blog post for weeks to keep people updated, but even while typing this, I’m not sure I’m making sense.

The worst of it is not being able to function as a normal human being on a daily basis.  I’m pretty debilitated and practically bedridden most of the time.  I’m unable to work. I feel like a waste of space.  Completely barren of purpose and life force.

The plan is to get myself back to TN where family can take care of me.  This comes with the overwhelming task of getting my new home packed back into boxes and shipped east.  The thought is daunting enough that I weep about it. I will be calling on the help of lots of people to get me packed up as I am at such a low state of function.  I am trying hard to believe that it will happen and will be fine and I will make it home safely where I can truly rest as long as I need to without so many pressures (rent, work, responsibility).

The hope is that this is all worth it.  That the cancer killing meds are working making this barren state worth it for the time being.  We won’t know for sure if this is true until I have scans mid-March.

The fears are: it’s not working.  Or it is working and I will be in this barren state for months upon months waiting for the tumors to completely die.

I desperately need more strength than I have.  I need the side effects to get drastically better.  Please keep praying that I will return to myself and will have a life worth living once more.  Cause my spirit is weary.  And my body is even further gone.


7 Responses to “Barren”

  1. We are praying for you all the time and will keep hoping and praying that this will work! May God comfort you and revive you!

  2. scottzeigler Says:

    You have my love from afar. Students in school ask about you all the time. You are on mind mind darlin.

  3. Caroline Says:

    I am praying for you. You are an amazing woman and I really admire you Gwen. If there is anything that I can do from afar, let me know.

  4. Marcia Shaver Says:

    Praying, that all your goals will be reached and that you make a quick and safe trip back to Tennessee.

  5. Georgina H. Escobar Says:

    Beautiful Gwen… I have to believe all this will pass and you will be able to look back only made stronger for having lived through it. Remember that even in barren lands, there is life. I know you feel weak of mind and body and spirit, and that is okay. Let yourself feel weak, cry, sink, terrify yourself–then take deep breaths and think the worst is over. I love you and please call me if you need anything.

  6. Tara Says:

    It will. It will.

  7. Pat Tyler Says:

    I only know you thru your blog and the news from my sister Judy at your church. Please know that your life and struggles have moved me to tears and prayers—for you and for all who are fighting the fight of their lives.
    Of course you know you don’t walk alone- all you sisters in arms are propping you up. Blessings on you and your family. Pat T.

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