here we go again…

March 29, 2014

So… the cancer is growing pretty fast in my liver and my lungs.  The letrozole (tumor shrinking meds) I was on seem to have not worked.  And the cutoff of estrogen had no effect on things.  I have taken to calling it ‘my pointless hysterectomy.’  (I know it wasn’t pointless.  There was cancer on my ovaries when they did the surgery.  I’m just pissed that I lost my womb and didn’t avoid more chemo.)

Now I am on a super double dosed chemo of adriamycin and cytoxan.  This is the big guns.  This stuff knocks me out flat and will be really taxing on my heart muscle.  They will do three rounds and then more scans to see if it is working.

It really fucking has to work.

And it would be super nice if it worked in 3 or 4 treatments.  They can only ever give me up to 8 rounds of this stuff in my lifetime because it is so hard on the heart.  I don’t know what backup plan there would be if it doesn’t work or if we get to 8 rounds and there’s still cancer there.  I can’t even let my mind go there… I’m working so hard to believe that I will survive this time.

Port placement surgery and chemo round 1 happened Tuesday.  Now I’m just living through the treatment.

The living part is hard.  I can’t do much of anything but sleep.  My wonderful older sister is doing EVERYTHING for me.  I’m grateful that my team got me moved home when they did.  I have no idea what I would be doing without being home to be cooked for and looked after.  Typing is taxing.  Going to the bathroom is exhausting.  Showering is an impossibility sometimes.  I get dizzy very easily.  Sitting.  Sleeping.  Breathing.  That’s as much as I have to give these days.  I hope that improves.  It’s really rough on my spirit to feel so purposeless.  But I keep trying to focus on the fact that now is a time for fighting.  And if fighting means sleeping, that’s all I will do.  And I hope that there will be time for real living later.

Thank you all again for prayers and thoughts.  I am all settled into my little house with CE in Jonesborough.  If you’re not sick and if it’s not too close to a treatment, please feel free to come see me.  I may be sleeping, but it would be nice to say hello for even a few minutes.

 

End cancer:the sequel, chapter 3.

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11 Responses to “here we go again…”

  1. Tara Says:

    You Will Win.

  2. Rick Whelan Says:

    Your current struggle is definitely not purposeless, Gwen. It’s a potent testimony to the strength and eternal endurance of your spirit. We send our love and extremely positive thoughts!

  3. Susan Says:

    I know you know, but we all love you. I love you.

  4. Jim Says:

    Hey Gwen, I really hate this for someone as wonderful as you, I lost my younger brother, and my mom, to this, and the worse was not being able to help, but just know if I could help, I would, so if you need ANYTHING, and I can do it, I will……just ley me know…..see ya bye……

  5. amy Says:

    keeping you in our thoughts and prayers, sweet pea :*

  6. Georgina Says:

    I would give anything to be able to come visit you right now. But, hey. What are you doing in dreams? I love you Gwen. Don’t let it get you.

  7. April Says:

    You are a warrior!! I was diagnosed with bc in September and I live in Gray. I will pray for you.

  8. Carey Says:

    Sending so much love and prayer. You are incredible.

  9. Bill and Nancy Says:

    Gwen, you are in our prayers every day!

  10. Karen Says:

    Gwen, I’m just down the road. Please! Tell me anything I can do to come help. I’ll come while you’re sleeping and help your sister, I’ll come while you’re awake and try to make you laugh, literally ANYTHING you need, please call me. I’ll message you my cell number, feel free to give it to your sister, too.

  11. Becky Says:

    Logan and I are praying for strength and healing for you, Gwen. Your courage is one one of the most beautiful and amazing things I have ever seen.


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